That was sweating lunatic Iggy Pop, part of our Tuesday "Punk Pack",
which is climaxing at midnight with Madness.
This is "Norfolk Nights" with Alan Partridge and we're doing "Super Talk".
(ECHOlNG) Super Talk!
Brought to you by Ginster's Pasties,
Tonight we're Super Talking about evil dogs.
We've all seen them in undesirable areas.
Donald from Hemsby has e-mailed us to say,
"Dangerous dogs should have their teeth replaced with rubber."
An excellent idea. I'm going to make him our e-mail of the evening.
(DALEK VOICE) E-mail of the evening!
Donald wins our top prize of an Action Man military figure. It's got all kinds of features.
The box says, "Not suitable for children." I wouldn't take any notice of that.
Although my cousin did once buy a pirated Tweenie from a covered market in Brundall
and it was full of soiled bandages.
Time for music. Who's this beautiful blond man with a lovely voice? It's Annie Lennox.
Fat arms, beards and that's just the men...women.
That was Bill Withers who thank the lord, is still with 'us.
I'll be back tomorrow with another prize. It's a piggy bank.
It's 1 a.m.
As the whole of Norfolk sleeps, something truly evil stirs.
- All right, Alan... - His coffin lid opens with a creak.
(CREAKING)
- An owl hoots... - Danny Francetti's Jazz Box..
Sorry. It's the new system.
(HOOTING)
Out pops the vampire... Count Davula of Cliftonvania.
He's fed up - not because he can't see his reflection, but because he can!
That's right, Alan.
- I've been up drinking human blood. - Is that all?
There is one person I would love to drive a stake through.
That's all you'll be driving since your ban.
Maybe you should be banned after some of those shocking prizes you've given away.
This coming from the man who once gave away a CD
removed from the cover of a magazine.
All right, folks. We're going to Go West.
That was the best full English breakfast I've had since Gay Wilmot's wedding.
It was ruddy superb.
Yeah. I'd have that three times a day if I could, but I'd be dead.
- It kill you? - It's cholesterol. Scottish people eat it.
Few of them make 60. Why are there holes in my "Daily Mail"?
I do collage. I cut out the heads of U2 and then I put on top of space clothes.
I see. The idea is that U2 are going into space?
- You should send it to the fan club. - I already have.
You're not just sexy, you're also a very good...fan club member.
I tell them my boyfriend is good friend with Bono.
- I am. - Will you introduce me?
Yeah.
Can I put in journal that I am good cook of full English breakfast?
Yes, you can. In fact, I've made notes.
Yes. Bacon - ten on ten.
Button mushrooms - bingo. Black pudding - snap.
Minor criticism. More distance between the eggs and the beans.
I may want to mix them, but that's my decision.
Use a sausage as a breakwater.
But I'm nit-picking. A very good effort. Seven on ten. Let's make love.
OK.
A fried breakfast makes an excellent aphrodisiac. Excuse me.
- You don't want to wash the dishes? - Let's make love right here, right now.
OK. Just fold this table away. You should feel it clip in the housing.
I'm gonna hump ya.
That's it.
Like Deputy Dawg would hump ya.
- There we go. - You want fitted sheet?
No. We'll use the beach towel.
- Alan, I bought you another present. - What?
A London love taxi. I have put my heart in back of taxi and told driver to go to you.
Aah. Don't know what you're talking about. I'll pop that with the others.
Getting a bit crowded now. Like London.
Which I spell S-H-l-T-H-O-l-E. Shithole!
Let's start with some petting.
- (KNOCKING) - (Lynn) Alan! It's me.
Get in, Lynn.
What do you think is Sonja's best feature?
- Her hair? - Nope.
- Her neck? Her eyes? Her eyelashes? - No. It's her feet. Lovely dainty feet.
Big feet remind me of gammon.
What are you going to call the house?
I've narrowed it down to "Lord House"
"Ace House" and "The Cinnamons".
We ought to call it "Our House".
We could call it that. Make a note of that.
Now, Alan. Are you ready for the Inland Revenue? Have you got all your receipts?
Yes. Some are on a spike, you've got some in an envelope
and the rest are in a shoe box which I threw off a ferry.
- That was a low point. - These tax people can stay indefinitely.
If I have to put back my roger with Sonja again, I'll be fit to burst.
I'll have to resort to Plan B.
- Are you ready for the meeting? - You'll be there.
- They're not investigating me. - We're in this together.
- What are you hiding? - Nothing.
Bill Oddie gave me a dressing gown as a Christmas present.
He enclosed a receipt. I submitted Oddie's receipt for tax purposes.
I'm guilty as hell, Lynn.
If I'm going down, you're going down with me.
- I want you to lie for me. - I can't. In the eyes of God...
Lynn. I'm on God's side. I can't stand the devil. He's bang out of order.
He's an evil idiot.
I know it says, "Thou shalt not lie,"
but if the Elephant Man came in here now
with some lipstick on and a nice dress, and said, "How do I look?"
would you say, bearing in mind that he's depressed and has got respiratory problems,
"Take that blusher off you ugly misshapen-headed elephant tranny"?
- No. I'd say, "You look very nice." - Exactly. You'd say, "You look nice, John."
The tax people are coming in an hour. You've got one hour to get ready.
- Alan, look what I draw. - What's that?
- It's an alien judge. - Golly.
And the alien judge...
The alien judge is shooting the taxman and the taxman's head is come off.
- You promised Sonja wouldn't be here. - I know, and I've ruddy gone and forgotten.
- Speak quickly. She can't understand it. - What can we do?
That's very good. I could send her into Norwich on an errand.
- Sonja, what are your plans? - I go to coffee shop.
Problem solved.
- Sonja, Lynn's going to give you a lift. - OK.
- And the house names? - Yes. I'll call it "Excalibur Cottage".
Can't mess about on this one, Lynn.
- Get ready for the tax people. - Chill out, babe...love...Lynn.
See ya. Wouldn't want to be...
- Hello, Alan. - Oh! Hello...er...
Tell me your name.
- John. - All right, John, me old mucker?
- I'm from Manchester. - M62.
- Uncovered any old fireplaces? - No. It's a brand-new house.
Yeah. Good call. If you need me, I'll be in the caravan.
Sorry, you're from Manchester. Cotton and guns.
(80's-STYLE SYNTHESIS MUSIC)
Mr Partridge? We're from the Inland Revenue.
- No, you're not. - Yes, we are.
Come in. Hello. Sit over there.
Hi.
Wolves at the door. You'll huff and you'll puff and... Where's the other pig?
- Sorry. Got off to a bad start. - Sorry. We are a bit early.
Yes. The being early trick. Mind games.
I'm shit-chatting. Sorry, chit-shatting.
- I'm Monica. This is Catherine. - Hi.
Today is purely a straightforward random investigation.
- Do you want something to eat? - No, thanks.
I'll check the fridge. We've got Babybels.
You can't have those, they're for the car.
- Do you want a beer? - No, thanks.
That's another old trick. Spike the drink,
pop you in the boot and dump you in the North Sea.
Tie a jack to you. You'd sink like a stone.
We've eaten. Thanks.
- Do you want a little teddy bear? - Do you think we could see you?
Hello.
My name's Graham.
Don't be horrible to Alan.
He doesn't avoid tax, he only evades tax.. No, the other way round. Oh, shut up!
- Why don't you just sit down? - Yeah.
Let's look at some records. There's an entry here for Tomahawk leisure. What was that?
That was a company which we set up. We looked into its operation and closed it down again.
It was inoperable. I wonder if I can walk like this.
I could have been R2-D2.
- OK. What about Apache Communications? - I've got a leaflet on that. Mine's a pint!
It's not here! "It's not here!" That's the bear again.
- Do you want a chicken drumstick? - No, thanks.
I've got a chocolate Marble Arch.
It's well rendered. I should have got them to do the house. Better than these bastards.
At least they're cash in hand.
Cash in hand? It's not a phrase we like.
Alan, just relax. If everything's above board, you've got nothing to worry about.
I've got nothing to hide. Search me! Search me!
- That's Customs and Excise. - Right.
- Could we see the receipts on your spike? - Yes. I have a confession.
When I raised my legs then, something unplanned happened.
I released an unexpected but potent gust.
I'd like to apologise in advance if it registers.
Alan, we understand if you're nervous.
Here's a receipt for a cinema ticket to "Shrek".
Research.
And a receipt for a pair of shoes from Dolcis in Dundee.
I had no shoes. You can't see "Shrek" in your bare feet.
Here's a receipt for a dressing gown. Tell us about that.
Yes. Can you hold these?
- All right, Alan? - All right...
- All right? - John.
John, right. I always think of you as Bleachy Head because of your hair.
I could throw myself off the top of you if I get depressed again!
- Just let off in a tax inspectress's face. - let off?
And it was mostly deliberate.
- Do you want one, Al? - No. I don't smoke.
I'm one of the anti-cancer set. We're a dying breed.
We're not, you are. I don't mean you've got cancer.
Maybe you have. If you haven't, I apologise.
If you have, please take the rest of the day off.
- I've not got cancer. - You can't be too careful.
Testicular. Always got to check for extra lumps.
Aye.
Some guys feel uncomfortable about it, but I say why not combine it with a scratch?
- Get your girlfriend to do it. - Yeah!
I've got a girlfriend. We were bonking like mad last night in the caravan.
- Getting down to it. - We were!
If it weren't for the telescopic dampers on each corner of the caravan
it would have been wobbling like a very rude house.
I say telescopic dampers. I mean rigid stays.
How's the grouting coming along?
It's not because we haven't decided on the tiles yet.
All right. Just er... Just cary on building the house.
- What's that? - It's a tip. I panicked. Do declare it.
Sorry about that. Just having a chinwag about cancer.
It's a serious subject. I once found a lump under my arm. Awful.
Turned out it was just a knot in my vest.
- Hi, Alan. - Sonja, what are you doing back?
I told Tomek to put his coffee shop up inside his ass.
I'm in a static home with three women.
Don't all go off to the toilet and talk about me because it really is too small.
But it is a solid bog. The chemicals in that loo will dissolve a corpse.
You tell tax people they won't find your money?
- These are important people. - She wears no make-up!
That's irrelevant. Excuse me.
Do you want to go to prison? Do you?
- You tell me prison is very cushy. - I was making a point about something eke.
Just go and say, "No, I don't pay. Tax is rubbish."
You are not the Chancellor of the Exchequer! If you were, the county would go to pot!
You want me to be good little shut-up Sonja? Zip!
Thank you.
Oh, God! It's OK, it's OK.
(GARGLING NOISE)
Did you see all that?
Great. The fat envelope. Not you, Lynn.
Lynn will answer all your questions. Bye.
- Where do you want these sockets? - Two there, two there, one in the middle.
(BARKS)
Guide dogs for the blind. It's cruel, really, isn't it?
Forcing a dog to pull a man round all day. Not fair on either of them.
Cheers.
Girlfriend's left me.
Well... To be honest, I'm chuffed like mad. She weren't expecting that!
Tonight, I'm just going to have a sandwich and watch Trevor McDonald.
Thank you very much.
Probably won't even brush my teeth.
Sleep in my trousers.
Some of the things me and my girlfriend do are pretty top-shelf.
Top-shelf in this county, not abroad.
I don't want to see an erection. Unless it's in the mirror, right, guys?
Finished with the "Daily Mail"? Cheers.
(COWBOY ACCENT) Yeah. I think I'll go and read Simon Heffer on the veranda.
Ain't no one gonna stop me.
(BURPS)
I don't know what to do. We have it off all the time.
It'll be an end to all that London crap - Big Ben teddy bears. You hate London.
Yeah. But all those small taxis and little Tower Bridges make me feel like a giant.
One day I arranged them all on the floor
and I marched around saying, "Fee, fi, fo, fum!
"I smell the blood of an ungrateful bunch of bastards."
- She's a good cook. - She does a fantastic English breakfast.
- That's daft. A good English breakfast. - Is she still making it too bunched up?
- With the egg... - Too close to the beans.
When will they learn? Mind, she was sexy. She wore a G-strap.
Yes. That's for hygiene reasons. It lets the buttocks breathe.
- You could wear it or floss with it! - Or slice cheese with it!
- Or all three! - That's unhygienic.
I haven't got a girlfriend any more. What shall I do?
- Get yourself another. - No chance. British?
- Alan. I've called the police. - What for?
- I thought it was best. - She'll turn up one way or the other.
- This isn't "Silent Witness". - Hello.
- Sonja. - Where have you been?
- I buy a present for Alan. Guess what. - A bear dressed as a beefeater.
Yes! Then I went to caravan and chucked out the tax woman.
- Lovely stuff. - Did you buy me a present to say Sorry?
Yes, I did... And I'll just go and get it.
It's a video by the West County comedian Jethro.
And it's signed by Bono.
- Do you know Bono? - He's big friends with Bono.
- When did he sign that? - When I was at his house.
- His house? - Yes.
- Bollocks! You don't know Bono. - I do know Bono.
- Take me to Bono's house. - You want to go to Bono's house? OK.
You'll look stupid.
Thanks for dropping me right in it!
Put these on the tab.
You don't remember where is Bono's house?
I will remember. The last time I was there I took some pot and I was briefly mindless.
He has a huge dog and he may be drunk and unleash it because normally I ring ahead.
- I am not scared to dogs. - These are more like fat horses.
Look thick or it'll have your hands off before Bono can whistle it to stop.
- What sort of dog is that? - The sort the Nazis used on Steve McQueen.
They're trained and very right-wing.
This is Bono's house. Eureka.
Those spiky trees I think are Joshua trees.
- Who are all these cars? - They're Bono's.
All these cars?
He's got the biggest collection of hatchbacks in the county.
Bono!
This is it. This is where the idiot lives.
Lovely pictures up there of lads with big hair.
Henry VIII. He was a shit.
Bono? He's not here. Do you fancy a curry?
- No. I want to see. - OK.
This is Bono's bedroom. I'm not sure if he's in. Bono?
No. He likes to lie there, though, with the "Sunday Express"
and the biggest bowl of Alpen you've ever seen.
Massive, it is.
- Name a U2 album. - "Joshua Tree".
I knew that, because he composed half of it over there.
And the other half over there.
- These people are friends of Bono? - Still on that?
Why the red rope and plastic fruit?
The man is mentally ill.
I've seen him eat a plastic pie.
In normal house you don't have 4O tables the same.
The very fact you're questioning my-my-my... My God.
Hello, Alan. Good news.
- You got my text, then? - Hello, Alan.
Hello, Bono. Have a seat.
- How's The Edge? - The Edge is fine.
- How's Adam Clayton? - Adam Clayton is fine.
- How's um...the drummer? - The drummer is fine.
- When did you last see the gang? - I saw them last Thursday at a pop concert.
- Who were playing? - We were.
- You should sack your PR people. - We have.
- Good. - How long you live in house?
Since the '80s.
Blicklington Hall was built by Sir Henry Hobarrt.
The Jacobean house is built on the site of a late medieval predecessor.
He is not Bono. He is rubbish.
Lynn, are those your mother's cataract glasses?
- Yes. - What's your name?
- Andrew. - A friend of Lynn's from the church?
- Yes, that's right. - What do I owe you?
- A contribution for the church. - A fiver?
- 3O? - 3O?!
- That's very generous. - I've been ambushed.
There. Help yourself to a scone. You're probably sick of canteen food on tour.
I forgot. You're not Bono.
I've changed my mind about Excalibur Cottage. l think I'll call it "Ye House".
Aagh!
What you do?
- I've killed a bear! Who is he? - He's a bargain beefeater bear.
Sonja, beefeaters do not live in caravans!
They live in the Tower of London and they are restaurants.
- He is brilliant present. - Not for a man approaching 50!
It's too big! How did you get it here?
- On the bus. - You took that on the bus?
Anyone who knows us might have thought it was me inside there.
Me wearing a bear costume. They'd think I'd lost it again.
- It is very nice. - I'm sorry.
When I've calmed down I'll kiss him better where I stabbed him.
It's his thorax. He'll be fine.
I'll make it up to you. Tomorrow is your day. Do anything you like.
- I want to go to London. - That's fine.
(80'S STYLE SYNTHESISER MUSIC)